It’s not easy. Anyone who tells you otherwise either isn’t in love or is lying. Add children to the mix and the challenges amplify.
In honor of Valentine’s Day this past week, I want to reflect on the most famous four-letter word of all time: love.
Much has been written and created since the dawn of humanity to explain this mystical emotion.
So while I will probably fail to do it justice in ~1,000 words, I will try to boil it down based on my nearly 7 years of marriage experience and many years of dating beforehand (primarily with my wife, but still).
Why should we talk about love? Because I fear love is lost for many people today.
One-quarter of 40-year-olds in the United States have never married. That’s up 5% from a decade ago. This chart says it all.
Yet 90% of men and women in America dislike being single.
There are 106 million single people in America, which makes up some 44% of the U.S. population.
That’s almost half the adult population in America!
The marriage rate has declined since 2011 (16.3 to 14.9). The divorce rate has similarly dropped, which makes sense if Americans are getting married less.
The decline in marriage rates is not only an American phenomenon. Global marriage rates have dropped in recent decades.
So what is going on? Why are more people single? Why is marriage as an institution declining in popularity?
I have a few theories.
Social media and technology have made it easier to live in physical isolation
People are simply less incentivized to pursue love. Why go outside to meet people when you can live, work, and play all in one safe space?
Physical isolation provides certainty. Little resistance.
Most people don’t like resistance.
Social media has also ruined our standards. We’re constantly inundated with filtered images and videos of people that make the airbrushed magazine spreads of old look natural.
As a result, the expectations people have of a dating partner or mate have boomed to often unreasonable levels. They find so many flaws in online dating profiles or social media activity that the pool of potential dates shrinks so much that they stay home on weekends.
The mystery and organic self-discovery of (older) real-world dating is gone. Many people entering the dating game today already know their dates' entire resume and bodily metrics. Not to mention salary and earning potential.
When my wife met me over a decade ago she knew nothing. And I knew nothing about her. But that’s what made it so intriguing and interesting. That mystery largely doesn’t exist in dating today.
The wealth of information people get in advance of a first date has destroyed expectations. When in reality, many of those flaws considered in the context of the whole person may make them even more attractive and dare I say, human.
Love is hard
Burned once? Twice? Many times?
Many single people have terrible love war stories. Traumatic relationship experiences.
Many happily married people have the same.
Love is hard.
While I think the feeling of love is natural, the physical reality of living with the same person day in and day out is not natural at all.
If we cease to maintain our respective individuality, we cease to be human. Some relationships destroy individual character traits, ambitions, and desires, and consequently, they fail.
The idea of giving your entire life to someone else, opening up your heart and emotions and thoughts (completely!) to another person is frankly terrifying.
Let’s not even discuss how children complicate this dynamic even more. That’s for an entirely separate article (or book).
The point is that love is far from easy. It may seem and feel fun in the beginning, but the true test is measured in decades, not days or months.
How comfortable are you being bored with the other person?
How happy are you doing nothing with that person?
Are you willing to sacrifice everything for them and even suffer a little along the way?
I suspect many of the single people today have not been able to answer these questions positively for potential mates. Or they refuse to even try because even asking these questions is too hard.
Love is hard.
It requires compromise, sacrifice, suffering, and collaboration.
A marriage is as much a business partnership - running a house (i.e., your business) - as it is a romantic partnership.
So good luck being in love with someone who doesn’t spend or save money the way you do, doesn’t share your worldview, or doesn’t have compatible religious beliefs.
This is why many people who taste love leave the table before the main course is served. Forget about dessert (which is the children's course).
Being single is suddenly cool?
Another reason more people are single is because being single is suddenly cool. I don’t have an issue with that, but it’s an interesting phenomenon.
Singles Awareness Day (or “SAD”) has existed since 1999. It’s the day after Valentine’s Day.
I started hearing more about it, however, in the last few years.
That’s largely because of celebrities like Lizzo saying that being single is the best.
“I’m finally free of the evil Gemini I had in my life. I’m really just actually happy and single.” - Lizzo
There are also many people advertising that they’re “single by choice.” Even though I want to ask some of them, “Really? Are you? Or does nobody want to go out with you?”
Maybe that’s a little harsh, but while some people may be “single by choice”, others are guilty of false advertising.
There are also more options for single people in 2024. Women don’t have the biological clock pressure they once did for having children. Freezing eggs is more and more common. More people are having kids later, if they’re even having them at all.
Love is not a choice - grab on tight if you’re fortunate enough to find it
While being single may be a choice, love is not.
You do not get to tell yourself you’re in love with someone. Your body and emotions do that for you.
You also do not get to demand that the other person share those same emotions. They must come to that realization themselves.
With so many factors at play, it’s truly magical when it all works out. So I say - if you’re fortunate enough to find love, grab on tight. Don’t let go.
Perhaps I’m a hopeless romantic who was fortunate enough to find love. I’m certainly not trying to push my preferred way of living on anyone else. Being single works well for some.
But I think there are more societal factors at play in 2024 that are incentivizing more people to avoid relationships, marriage, and offspring while opting for a single life.
If there’s any takeaway on love I want people to have it’s this — although it may be difficult, there is no better feeling than knowing that someone not named Mom or Dad cares about your whole person more than you do. Who is genuinely excited to see you every day. Who wants to hear about your successes just as much as they want to help you through your failures or challenges.
So if love appears on the menu, consider trying the main course. You might even save room for dessert.
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